I am a Muslim. I love my religion. I believe in the Last prophet. I believe in the Quran. I believe that this life is a test. I believe that there is a life after death. And most importantly, I believe in one God(Allah). And I love Him.
I am a sinner. I don’t pray regularly. I don’t fast for the entire length of Ramadan. I don’t wear a hijab.
So, I feel like writing a letter to Him. I feel like telling Him that He is amazing. I feel like telling Him that He has given me so much. But somehow, just saying those words don’t seem enough. Because I myself believe that love is shown by actions not words. Love needs to be proven. Have I done anything to prove my words? I don’t think so.
It’s not that I don’t try. Or that I don’t want to try. I want to do all those things which make up a great Muslim. I just can’t. Whenever I start, I cannot beat the voice in my head that convinces me that it’s okay to miss this one prayer. It’s ok to watch another episode of one tree hill. But guess what? It doesn’t feel okay later. It feels like I’m weak. So weak that I can’t even beat myself. If I can’t beat myself, then how on earth would I beat the devil?
I have a great family. Amazing parents who love me unconditionally, amazing friends, amazing house and a happy life. Everyone says I am the luckiest girl ever. And I believe that sometimes. But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I believe that I am destroying my life. I have all these opportunities, all this time, all this money, all this knowledge and what am I doing with it? Nothing. Just sitting around and moping.
I have this urge to do something great. But I don’t do it. I want to show Allah that despite all my flaws and my weaknesses and my sins, I still want a place in Jannah. I want to gain His respect and His love and His mercy because at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. I hope He knows I’m trying. I hope He doesn’t put a seal to my heart because that really scares me. I am trying to be better just like I try every day. I know He can see what is inside my heart and I really hope that what He sees is enough to keep me far away from the Hellfire.
I don’t know how many people can relate to these things that I feel. Maybe all of you. Maybe none of you. But I for one am not ready to give up on trying to prove how much I love and appreciate everything that has been given to me. I will get up and try and try harder this time.
And this blog is one attempt.
This blog will remind me about the great things in life. It will show me how I have too much to loose. It will tell me that I can beat the little voice in my head. I CAN get closer to Allah. I CAN go to heaven. After all, Allah loves us more than 70 mothers combined, so hopefully He can see that I’m trying to be better.
- Have faith.